Six Tech-Induced Disorders Finally Acknowledged By American Psychiatrists
Now you can finally label that pesky technology-related quark no one was taking seriously.
As reports of technology “totally ruining people’s lives” reach epic proportions, the American Psychiatric Association (APA) has agreed to append six tech-induced disorders to its official handbook: The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM).
#1 — Directile Dysfunction
The latest disorder added to the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), directile dysfunction is prevalent in bustling cities but can affect humans pretty much anywhere. It occurs when one loses the ability to get from point A to point B without Google or Apple maps. Symptoms include extreme paranoia when someone asks “where are you going?” or “how long is your trip?”; and frequently ending up in sketchy neighborhoods.
Suggested treatment methods include: Looking up and reading street signs; learning how to use a physical Rand McNally map; and asking an actual person for directions.
#2 — Irritable Touching Syndrome (ITS)
Irritable Touching Syndrome (ITS) is marked by an obsessive compulsion to touch everything with a screen constantly and for no other reason than it takes the edge off. In public places (like grocery stores or airports) ITS can cause disturbances to innocent bystanders, especially children playing games on their iPads.
Effective treatment methods include spending 90 days in a secluded location, living off the land; visiting a small town stuck in the 1960s; or living in your grandma’s attic with no access to screens of any kind.
#3 — Phubobia
Derived from the colloquial term “phubbing”, this is a psychologically-rooted disorder stemming from childhood neglect. Patients diagnosed with this disorder report being ignored by their parents — who were attached to their devices at all times doing very important things like updating their social media profiles with photos of their feet in the sand, monitoring their Ring doorbell devices for potential Amazon delivery thieves, or ordering meals on DoorDash.
To date, the most effective treatment method is repeating the following mantra 100 times before you go to bed: “I am more than my thoughts, I have more value than a mobile device, my parents were victims too. NOW I AM FREE!”
#4 — Fibrotechalgia
Fibrotechalgia is a result of bending over to look at a computer (or any device) for a prolonged period of time, usually starting at a young age. Due to certain neural pathways that get cut off, it can cause short-term memory loss, slowed speech, chronic pain in the neck area, and shortness of breath. This disorder is often co-morbid with social anxiety disorder because (as it turns out) no one actually wants to hang out with someone who looks like a neanderthal.
Suggested treatment methods include doing things that encourage erect activity. For example: Watching paint dry, waiting in line at the DMV, or pretending to be trapped in an Egyptian coffin.
#5 — Textual addiction
People develop textual addiction after months or even years of attempting to nurture all intimate relationships via texting. This leads to the inability to function #IRL. Those with the disorder find it difficult to form sentences in the physical presence of someone to whom they are attracted. After experiencing continued incidents of “ghosting” the patient becomes more and more depressed, but continues to compulsively text past and present uninterested parties (with the same negative result).
As of this updated manual, the most successful treatment method is forming a bond with an animal — like a horse or a dog — who will love you basically no matter what because they have no opposable thumbs and lack the ability to text.
#6 — Algorithmia
Algorithmia is still a bit of a head scratcher because it has no predictive symptoms or co-morbid disorders that personalize the patient’s experience. It generally causes death, for reasons no one understands because there is not enough data.
Suggested and effective treatment methods include: Honestly, nothing really comes to mind. Maybe try leeches? It worked in the pre-technology days.
PLEASE READ. LET’S WRITE TOGETHER.
This satire piece was originally published in Jane Austen’s Wastebasket in June 2020. I wish I could say that things have improved since, but instead I could add about 14 more disorders.
If you think of any clever ideas SEND THEM MY WAY, as I’d like to do a follow-up piece. You will get full credit and attribution (and possibly a gift in the real mail not the email).